Lyrics written at Public Citizen Health Research Group
circa 1981-1986. Our Director was Sidney Wolfe, M.D.
The Freedom of Information Act Song
Tune: The Best Things in Life are Free
The Government is everyone’s,
We pay all the bills you see,
So what they say and what they do,
Is open to scrutiny!
The memos, reports,
And files of all sorts,
The stuff that they write,
By day (and night)—-
It’s information we should see;
Let’s make sure we keep it free!
Down at the Drugstore
Tune: Up on the Housetops
Down at the drugstore shoppers pause,
Buying pills with lots of flaws,
Over the counter every day,
Bringing in bucks for the PMA*
Hee Hee Hee, O.T.C.**
Ho Ho Ho, It’s gotta go —-
Put down that bottle, ick, ick, ick!
That stuff will never do the trick!
Here comes Santa in to shop,
Doctor Wolfe says: “Santa, STOP!
What could you want with pills like that?”
Santa says “I’m much too fat!”
“P.P.A.***? Nay Nay Nay!
Just you walk, don’t ride your sleigh!
That stuff will make you sick sick sick!”
Doctor Wolfe told Old Saint Nick!
Santa ran behind his sleigh,
Thought he soon would waste away!
Soon he became so very slim
No chimney was too tight for him!
He left H.R.G. with a wink and a smile,
And a dozen new petitions all ready to file,
And for Doctor Wolfe what he’d like the most:
His own Health Column in the Washington Post!
——————
* Pharmaceutical Manufacturers Association
** Over the Counter
*** Phenylpropanolamine (a “weight loss” pill)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Song inspired by "Surgery in Maryland Hospitals 1979 and 1980, Charges and Deaths" published by Public Citizen Health Research Group in 1982
Tune: Battle Hymn of the Republic (except as noted)
In the winter, in the spring,
And in the summer and the fall,
We are jolly little gallstones,
Splashing gaily in your gall,
If we don’t become infected,
We will do no harm at all—
So put away that knife!
(Tune: Maryland my Maryland — or Oh Tannenbaum)
Thou wilt not rip they patients off,
Maryland my Maryland!)
(Tune: Battle Hymn)
I’m your pudgy little prostate,
And I’m sometimes in the way,
So your doctor wants to ream me out,
Or cut me clean away,
Better take a good hard look,
At the figures in this book,
It’s your money AND your life!
(Tune: Dixie)
We’ll tell you straight if you’ve forgotten,
Health care can be downright rotten,
And you’ll pay! And you’ll pay! And you’ll pay!
Many Grand!
(Tune: Battle Hymn)
When the doctor sticks his head out,
From that big white drape below,
And says’ “You can keep the playpen,
But the nursery’s got to go!”
You can give his diagnosis,
That old well-informed Heave-Ho,
If you read this book today!
(Tune: Yankee Doodle)
Some Marylanders came down sick,
It wasn’t one bit pleasing,
Some got well, and some got worse,
And some just got a fleecing!)
(Tune: Battle Hymn)
When your tonsils start to tremble,
When your gut begins to slip;
When you feel a “hot” appendix,
Or an adenoidal drip;
Then check out your local medics —-
That’s not silly-- It’s just hip!
‘Cause you’re the one who’ll pay!
(Tune: Battle Hymn -- Glory Hallelujah chorus)
Get a second diagnosis,
for your ‘itis or your ‘osis!;
Check the facts from top to toeses!
It’s the safe effective way!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimony of a Drug Company Executive
in Support of an Application for a New Psychotropic Drug.
Tune: I’d Like to Get You on a Slow Boat to China
We’d like to see ya, in the Pharmacopeia,
That’s where the profits grow!
Doctors will write you, on mountains of scrip,
Druggist won’t fight you,
And folks love psychotropics cause they’re oh so hip!
We’ll fudge information, on our application,
(What does a lab rat know?)
We’d like to see ya, in the Pharmacopeia,
That’s where the profits grow!
Bringing Down Delany
The Delany Clause in the Federal Food, Drug and Cosmetics Act was intended to keep carcinogens off the market. Ronald Reagan’s administration tried to weaken it. Richard Schweiker was Secretary of Health and Human Services. You can read more about the Delany Clause here:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK216642/
Tune: Swingin’ down the Lane
Ron and Richard hand in hand,
Bringing down Delany!
All the Congress feeling grand,
Bringing down Delany!
They won’t miss the kiss of death,
In our daily bread,
Stuff like this,
Should be fed to rats instead!
When the market's on the rise,
For Blue Number Two —
And they’re putting formalin,
In our nice shampoo —
We’d just like to wash our hair,
Of the Ron and Richard pair,
And keep Delany safe for me and you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ask for the package label
Tune: Look for the Union Label
Ask for the package label,
When your prescriptions are ready to go!
While you are squinting, at tiny printing,
The label tells you, so many things you need to know!
Now someday, we’ll all get inserts*
We all hope that day will not be too far!
For now just ask for the package label!
Or else be sure to read it in in the PDR!**
- Patient package inserts with instructions, warnings etc. in lay language.
** Physicans Desk Reference - among other things, an annual compendium of the official labeling (detailed professional product information) for drugs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Send me the Polysyllable that you Dream On!
As I struggled to master medical and pharmaceutical vocabulary, I wrote this country & western style!
My mama often told me,
In the days when I was young,
Now gal, take care what sort of things,
You put upon your tongue!
There’s lots of stuff will make you sick,
It’s high time that you heard,
But Mama never warned me of --
The polysyllabic word!
Chorus:
Three syllables are quite enough,
We do not need no more!
Polysyllabification’s
Gonna run me out the door!
I’ve seen its poison spreading,
In the colleges each fall,
But I can tell you, medicine --
Is quite the worst of all!
Benzodiazepines, phenothiazines,
The list goes on and on,
Each day my tongue feels like it’s done,
A triple marathon!
Let’s ask the FDA to keep,
Our language pure and plain —
If it can’t be said in two or three,
Perhaps it ain’t worth sayin’!
Chorus:
Three syllables are quite enough,
To name them consarned pills!
‘Cause when I see them big long words,
I break right out in chills!
So send off your petition,
To the FDA today!
And be a public citizen,
For words we all can say!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We’re Having to Go Out to Get what We Should Get at Home.
Tune: Use any country and western style “done me wrong” song. This was a "protest" song to remind certain people at Health Research Group to put our “house subscription” journals back on the shelf so we wouldn’t have to go out to a medical library, generally at George Washington University of National Library of Medicine, for them!
N-E-J-M and JAMA and L-A-N-C-E-T ,
B-M-J and others too are here at H-R-G,
But we can’t see the new ones here,
that’s why we have to roam,
We’re having to go out to get,
What we should get at home!
Oh, we’re having to go out to get,
What we should get at home,
They’ve piled up high in Sid’s room,
They’ve obscured his telephone!
They’re stacked on chairs, way up to there,
And we can only groan!
For having to go out to get,
What we should get at home!
I’m tellin’ you G-W,
Your library is max!
I love to walk through morning dew,
To vist your sweet stacks!
But half the time I know our postman --
Brought the needed tome,
And I’m having to go out to get
What we should get at home!
Yes we’re having to go out to get.
What we should get at home,
We need a way we all can share,
To overturn each stone!
I don’t know who supports this view,
So I’ll just sign it: Joan
Please don’t make us go out to get,
What we should get at home!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our Director, Sidney Wolfe, M.D., truly lived the healthful life he urged on others, but at times perhaps he over did with all that good healthful exercise!
Sid Breaks another Bone!
Tune: Cold, Cold Heart
You’ve upped the odds to keep our bods,
As healthy as can be,
But somehow all that prudent living,
Ain’t your cup of tea!
We see you and you look just fine,
But when we turn our back —
Again resounds that awful sound:
Another bone goes CRACK!
A leg upon the jogging trail,
An arm upon the court.
You came to grief to catch a thief,
Or such was the report!
And as you go in hot pursuit,
Of life’s elusive goals,
Your orthopod is making a
Down payment on a Rolls!
All this will have to stop you know,
It simply cannot last!
We do not want to see our Sid,
In yet another cast!
We’ll write the President today,
Here’s what we hope he’ll do:
Create a brand new agency --
Of safety just for YOU!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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