Each year a group in Washington, D.C. produces an original variety show called Hexagon.
It was originally the work of D.C. area Princeton alumni, echoing the name of the Princeton Triangle social club at that college. When women came to Princeton, they renamed it Hexagon (two triangles!).
Hexagon raised a lot of money for great causes. Just about everyone was a volunteer -- actors, writers, musicians, etc. -- and it played several nights to a sold-out theatre in Georgetown. It was considered a big social event and tryouts were quite competitive.
It sounded like fun but since I could not take time from work and other commitments for the heavy rehearsal schedule I decided to try out as a writer. For this audition I sang "Be a Farter for Carter" (posted at the foot of this entry) which had my judges laughing out loud.
They said it was too crude even for Hexagon, but they put me on the writing team and I wrote several sketches, some of which made the show, set to original music by an old friend from the University of Chicago, Doug Maurer. Doug, an early computer pioneer as well as a terrific musician & composer, was now working in D.C. and was one of the music composers for Hexagon.
The songs they used are posted below. They are not parodies because they used all original music, but I've posted the lyrics here along with the popular songs that work (because they were in my head as I wrote them!)
And not to disappoint, I've posted below these the songs they did NOT use, concluding with "Be a Farter for Carter." The last is also in the Department of Energy post.
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My two lyrics that made the show were Bathtub Chic and Cornrows. Both were set to original music by Doug Maurer (see above).
Because this was original music I'll have to get that score in here somehow.
Bathtub Chic
Premise: This was a takeoff on hot tubs which many people had in their homes and even gave parties in! There were some really elaborate installations - I even saw one in a living room sun porch when I lived in D.C.!
For the show they actually wheeled out a big facsimile hot tub and background screens echoing the description in the song. It was quite an impressive scene!
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I used to live a simple life, jolly, happy-go-lucky,
All by myself each Saturday night just me and my rubber ducky.
Draw the water, fill the tub,
For a restful rub-a-dub,
But now a higher plane I seek,
For I've discovered bathtub chic!
(At this point a hot tub appears on stage, and the cast is in it splashing while the soloist sings!)
1.
Turn up the water heater, turn down the light,
I'm splashing out in my Hot Tub tonight,
Just me and my fifty most intimate friends,
For a fabulous night (if I don't get the bends!)
Bring out my bath sheet that Halston designed,
I'm going soak all night long!
I've just sent out for pizza, it should be here very soon,
I've quadraphonic speakers blasting out the latest tune,
So what if I'm mistaken for a cousin to a prune,
The Hot Tub is where I belong!
2.
Bring on the loofah sponge, they're best when they're rough!
Half of my epidermis should be enough!
See the hand painted tiles from floor to ceiling,
With Sistine Chapel frescoes reproduced with feeling!
Notice the window looking out to the world,
No neighbor's telescope should be so strong!
The faucets are gold plated and they're shaped like leaping fish,
A marble mermaid fondly holds some breath mints in a dish,
My plumber gets my paycheck, but I get my fondest wish,
The Hot Tub is where I belong!
3.
Bring on the soap, the Caswell Massey's O.K.,
Artichoke Essence, my favorite bouquet!
Have some champagne, served in plastic glasses,
Real ones might break and we'd hurt our (uh) tootsies!
Moving along, the Jacuzzi feels fine,
The spigots make my backbone sing a song!
Then nip into the sauna, watch those red-hot embers glow,
And when we're nearly scalded take a tumble in the snow,
A lobster wouldn't give two cents to take my place I know,
But the Hot Tub, the Hot Tub, Yeah, the Hot Tub is where I belong!
*******
(This song about Cornrows made the
Washington Post! See production notes and Washington Post article below.)
The Cornrow Song – Hexagon 1980,
Lyrics: Joan Levin; Music: Doug Maurer
(It also works with Turkey in the Straw – verse for first 8 lines then refrain.)
Oh they called me Farmer Willie and I come from I-O-Way,
And when we wasn’t caucusing we’uz growing corn and hay.
But on Saturday we slopped the pigs and put away the hoe,
And took the pickup into town to see the picture show.
Oh we went to see a movie with the funny name of “Ten.”
It starred a gal as cute as any pig out in the pen.
She wore her hair in lots and lots of skinny braids and beads,
I heer’d they called ‘em cornrows, but they wasn’t growed from seeds!
So it’s goodbye old bossy, goodbye rake and hoe,
I’m going to the city, to watch my money grow.
I’ll pack my pajamas, leave some feed for the steers,
I’m striking it rich, cause there’s gold between them ears!
It’s a hundred bucks a bushel for them cornrows so they say,
And who knows more ‘bout cornrows than a son of I-O-Way,
So I threw away my overalls, and went to beauty school,
And learned to braid them cornrows, I’m a honky but no fool!
Well the folks don’t call me Willie now, they call me “Mr. Bill,”
“OH NO!” Oh yes, and there’s money in the till,
‘Cause one head can yield a dozen crops of cornrows every year,
And until their acreage turns to bald, they’ll all keep coming here!
So it’s goodbye old bossy, goodbye rake and hoe,
I’m stayin’ in the city to watch my money grow!
I’ve real silk pajamas, and to heck with the steers!
I’m striking it rich because there’s gold between those ears!
This is the final version as performed (with repeats).
Here are some production notes:
-- “Ten” was the popular 1979 movie starring Bo Derek in long “cornrow” style braids.
-- Mr. Bill was a popular TV cartoon starring a comic character who would squeak “Oh No!” in a high voice when catastrophe occurred.
-- At the end of the number in the Hexagon show Farmer Willie steps out of his overalls, emerging in hot pink silk pajamas, and the women of the chorus, dressed in shorty overalls (a la Guys and Dolls Bushel and a Peck) pull off straw hats to reveal elaborate cornrow wigs produced by a crew of volunteer hairdressers!
Here's some of the press coverage (an enlargement of the part where I'm mentioned is below). mentioned!)
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| Washington Post March 13, 1980 covering Hexagon and mentioning Cornrows! |
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| From WaPo 3/13/80 above |
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These are some of my songs that did NOT make Hexagon
1. The Metro Munchie Force.
Premise: The Metro transit system, still fairly new, strictly prohibited eating aboard trains. This was intended to keep the cars neater and maybe discourage people from living aboard (like the legendary Boston Charlie on Boston's MTA!)
They actually had a law enforcement detail apprehending and ticketing people caught noshing in stations or aboard trains!
This never had music written for it because it didn't make the show. But the intro is in 3/4 time, and part is simply in the form of a lecture. For the chorus I had in mind the rhythm of Battle Hymn of Republic.
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Tune A:
Fiends of all description roam at large around our town,
Muggers, thieves and rapists stand in line to knock you down
But when you ride the Metro you need not feel alarm,
Brave officers protect you from a special kind of harm!
Spoken: Assault on your aesthetic sensibilities!!
Can't you see them? Here they come!
You've heard of them, of course!
Quickly hide that lemon drop, that candy bar, that soda pop,
This is no ordinary cop!
It's the Metro Munchie Force!
(MMF marches in singing tune B)
Down down down, under the ground ground ground (over and over, like a ground base!)
Tune C:
We're the Metro Munchie Force, and we've got our eye on you,
We've a law we must enforce, do not eat or drink or chew!
Your fare card ain't Carte Blanche, we will make this clear to you,
When the Metro Munchie Force is on the move!
Tune C:
You may lie there quite unnoticed with a knife stuck in your back,
But if it's stuck in ham and cheese we're ready to attack,
For we've sworn our lives to keep you slobs from littering the track,
When the Metro Munchie Force is on the move!
Tune B - Down down down, under the ground ground ground.
Tune D:
Metro we'll keep you clean and bright,
No one may litter in our sight!
Trains may stall and farecard vendors fail,
But we'll round up all the litterbugs and send them off to jail!
Scene in a station:
Citizen, a dignified portly fellow jaunts in singing to himself as he rides along, to the tune of Long Way to Tipperary:
Oh it's a long way, to Metro Center,
And it's way past my lunch,
Oh here's some candy, just a nibble,
All I need is one quick munch!
(he reaches in to jacket pocket and MMF officer rushes up and grabs him!)
MMF Officer: All right, mister! Reach!
(pats him down and draws out huge candy cane)
Citizen: But officer! My rights!
MMF Officer: (disdainfully) You ain't got none, food freak!
Other officers rush in and surround Citizen, performing what looks like a strip search, tossing off his clothing as they circle around muttering epithets like "junk food junkie" and "closet nosher" etc. etc. As they haul the fellow off, the other officers get into formation to march off singing:
Tune B Down Down Down under the ground ground ground, etc.
and then:
We'll pat you up and down to find concealed confectionary,
We'll search you to make sure your navel doesn't hide a cherry!
So take it all off, mister, and next time you'd best be wary,
When the Metro Munchie Force is on the move!
Yes we're cleaning up the District, all the evil and the sin,
And now we've caught you, buddy, with the crumbs right on your chin!
Think about your time at Lorton; twenty years will get you....THIN!
When the Metro Munchie Force is on the move!
Down Down Down, under the ground ground ground!
And repeat the chorus:
Metro we'll keep you clean and bright,
No one may litter in our sight!
Trains may stall and farecard vendors fail,
But we'll round up all the litterbugs and send them off to jail!
They exit --
A sophisticated lady enters with uniformed servants who quickly set up an elegant table on the platform, candles, champagne cooler on legs, crystal, silver, etc. She is seated and servant starts to pour her champagne when the MMF marches in. Servants quickly pick up the whole setup and, with the lady, make a speedy exit.
The MMF marches around singing as another fellow enters the station carrying a huge cellophane wrapped confection.
Tune F
Now you may call us pigs,
But let us make our mission plain,
You may rip off all the bucks at Riggs,
But don't rip off that cellophane! (looking menacingly at the potential eater)
Solo 1: We do hate to arrest you!
Solo 2: How it goes against the grain!
Tutti: but Heaven help you if you toss that wrapper from the train!
Fellow puts some food in pocket reluctantly as the MMF exits singing their Down Down Down under the Ground Ground Ground and Metro we'll keep you clean and bright themes.
Now the platform is nearly empty, and Ms. Mousie enters for the "Mousie Interlude.")
Miss Mousie, a New York showgirl of a mousie, has lovely grey fur, long whiskers and a graceful tail. She, and others like her, live on a Metro Platform. A businessman stands on platform as Ms. Mousie sings her song like a chanteuse. She doesn't sing directly to him, but expresses the sentiments below as a sort of torchy wish that he'll eat some of the food he is carrying in his pocket and leave her the crusts:
I've had Christmas cookies in choiches,
Lots of schmaltz in synagogues,
I've dined backstairs in embassies,
And the trash of demagogues!
I've supped Bean Soup in the Senate,
Snacked on snake at Dominique's,
But a goil can starve in this place,
I ain't had a meal in weeks!
Mister, take a chance for this poor little lady,
Mister, show your stuff, I know it's there all right!
Oh I can see the bulge you're hiding,
Mister, won'tcha gimme just a bite tonight?
(Man starts reaching fo this pocket somewhat tentatively)
Ms. Mousie:
Could it be a Moon Pie, or a sweet Milky Way?
Or a Hershey bar -- full of nuts?
Mister, disregard the fuzz,
I need that carbohydrate buzz!
Come on mister, show you've got some guts!
(Then, as the man fumbles)
You Klutz!
(Man finally takes out candy in a clumsy way that draws attention of the cops, and he's busted. This is what prompts Ms. Mousie's last line, and she slips off stage.)
(A Freud-like gentleman appears and reads from his notes, first singing and then lecturing)
(tune, variant of C)
I shtudied my craft in Vienna,
I lectured at home and abroad.
Compulsive obsession became my profession,
But it seems that my data are flawed!
(Pauses, then speaks as if giving a lecture:)
"Here in the United States, it appears that law enforcement agencies are peculiarly concerned with prevention and control of a particular neurotic-obsessive disorder, der compulsive eating, der, er, "handen in dem mouthen" syndrome. While perverts, preverts, inverts, experts, subverts and converts, do all manner of, er, yechy things with impunity, und even in public (tee tee), the promiscuous public snacker must be always, as it were, en garde. To him, life is hardly a bowl of, shall we say, Fritos!"
(Sleazy looking guy wanders onto the platform doing slow, funky meter:)
Sleazy guy:
Every flasher in the city knows that when the Force is near,
You can open up your raincoat if no groceries appear,
You can even touch the riders (tee hee),
Just don't nibble on their ears!
When the Metro Munchie Force is on the move!
Little Girl: OH Mama! That man over there! He just reached under his coat and pulled out a--- a--- TWINKIE!
Mother (covering child's eyes) Don't look, darlin' , I'll call the police! (screams)
Officer: Yes ma'am; you called?
Mother: Officer! That man! he showed my little girl his TWINKIE!
(Metro Munchie Force rushes in, grabs man, holds him almost upside down as he still clutches his Twinkie cupcake. The MMF, while doing so, sings in a loverly barbershop style, and arrangement of the main tunes, last four lines: )
Our Metro clean and spotless, a vision we adore,
Once we rid the place of all those nasty eaters we abhor!
Each station pure and shining,
(tenor solo) You could eat right off the floor!
(all) when the Metro Munchie Force is on the move!
Exit, singing: Down down down/ Metro theme, while carrying the man offstage.
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Notes -- There are several musical motifs here and some work together.
A. Inroduction
B, C should work together contrapuntally if possible.
B. (down down down under the ground ground ground, etc. should continue as a ground for C, and after the D theme is sung by itself it could finally be sung as a third part against C and the ground D.
E. is just "long way to Tipperary" to set the mood of jaunty carefree fellow for a phrase.
F. Same tune as C except for 4th and 5th lines.
G a totally different interlude.
When C is repeated by the flasher it is in a funky style, and when the last part of is repeated for the last time it's a barbershop.
The whole thing could end with the Down Down Down lines, and Metro we'll keep you clean and bright.
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Another that didn't make it --
Army Navy Blues:
Recitative:
(President Carter at his desk, contemplating)
Though ERA's not ratified, it's clearly necessary,
To interest the distaff side in matters military,
My plan for registration of the women brings a frown,
And every time I bring it up, the Congress turn me down!
I need a way to bring the ladies rushing to enlist!
I've got to find the velvet glove that hides the iron fist!
Rosalind responds with this chorus:
Well, Jimmy--
You could jes' dress those girls from Frederick's of Hollywood,
Frederick's of Hollywood, what girl could refuse?
Just issue them a teeny, khaki lace bikini,
The recruitment lines will triple when that gets in the news!
Jimmy:
Yes, I could dress those GI Janes at Frederick's of Hollywood,
Fredericks of Hollywood, whatever the fees!
We'll first induct the fairer sex,
And dress our lady leathernecks,
In scintillating uniforms of purest virgin sleaze.
(Alla Marca)
You G. I. Joes got Government Issue,
And don't you all wish you,
Had trousers that fit?
But Fredericks technology,
Made a breakthrough easily,
By putting: (read list fast) wash 'n' wear, one size fits all, triacetate stretch, designer pants --
In every soldier's kit.
back to original tempo:
We'll dress those Navy girls at Fredrick's of Hollywood,
Frederick's of Hollywood, Navy, Hurrah!
We'll dominate the Seven Seas,
When we rout our enemies,
With ranks of smiling sailors in their push-up, cleavage bras.
*************
And this one didn't make it either:
Won't You Come Home, Pahlavi
Tune: Won't you come home, Bill Baily
Sung by Iranian student demonstrator on TV-News to Iranian Shah Pahlavi hiding in exile.
Won't you come home, Pahlavi,
We're tired of this silly waiting!
Cutting our classes, Reza,
And NBC's lost it's ratings!
Your five o'clock shadows on the ten o'clock news,
No longer seem to be in style!
To number one spot with your trial!
*****
And this one didn't make it either!
Song from Carter Administration? Maybe last days of DOE? I was working there at the time.
Jimmy must be President Jimmy Carter. This was probably from the last days of the Carter Administration or the beginning of the Reagan with all its changes. It has no tune assigned.
Midge Costanza was President Carter's assistant
She was somewhat controversial.
Jordan would be Hamilton (Ham) Jordan, Carter's Chief of Staff.
Did he go after the ladies?
I can't recall who Smiley is, or Feelgood either.
Maybe later --
____________________________
Good Morning Midge, these men are here,
They've come to move your desk.
'Cause Jimmy says you've done real well
Handling your press.
You'll like your new location,
It's got a lot of tone.
Near the room where they keep the broom,
Will be your microphone!
Chorus:
And we all are getting the government we deserve;
Just like Smiley promised, just watch that Gallup curve!
How nice you could attend tonight,
Glad to see you Mr. Jordan,
We've got some girls for you to meet,
Right behind that cordon.
You'll see each one's in cellophane,
Wrapped 'round her gown and all,
So go and introduce yourself,
And have yourself a ball!
Chorus:
Now some folks take an aspirin,
And some try Tylenol,
And some say acupuncture,
Will make this headache small,
But Feelgood in the White House,
Will make that headache run,
And do it so your friends will know,
When they read it on page one!
Chorus:
**********************
And Finally, the Lyric I First Auditioned with that Started this All!
Be a Farter for Carter!
~~~~~~~~
But first, some background notes!
Working at DOE I learned how methane gas, excreted from farting cattle in feedlots, was being used as a fuel source to heat buildings, and under consideration as a more widespread energy source.
And:
Although today there may be issues here too!
I used this theme in my "tryout" submission for a place as a writer in the famous topical Hexagon charity review in Washington D.C. show in 1981.
At that time there were serious issues in the oil producing countries in the Middle East. President Carter had taken on the fossil fuel industry and had become a champion of alternative and renewable energy sources.
President Carter had had even called the "energy crises" the "moral equivalent of war" -- which also inspired this song!
The Hexagon producers (who had fallen all over themselves laughing when I presented it) said it was too crude for the show! But they welcomed me to their writing team, and I wrote other lyrics that they used! So there was no music written for this!
Any tune using 4/4 for the opening "recitative" and 3/4 for the chorus would do.
The scene opens with an actor in the role of Barry Commoner, a well known environmentalist of the day, and author of "Politics of Energy," explaining the possibilities for the intestinal gas of cattle in feedlots. (Sadly, methane now turns out to be a climate change issue, but that was not discussed at the time.)
... AND HERE IT IS!
(4/4 time)
I used to burn the midnight oil, and lie awake each night;
Reflecting on what I could do, to set our country right!
Our President has told us that this crisis equals war,
And every citizen must act to help our country score!
So here's a plan that I devised to keep our Nation strong,
And send those tanks of foreign oil,
Right back where they belong!
Be a "Farter for Carter,"
Break some wind if you can!
Harness "church creepers," one may be a sleeper,
To power the launch of our energy plan!
Eat some beans, they are tuneful!
We'll build a new fuel source from scratch!
Be a self-starter, be a "Farter for Carter!"
Just remember: Don't light that match!
That's All, Folks!
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