Joan's Lyrics: 2005

I wrote these lyrics in various Bible Classes and other events at KAM-Isaiah Israel.

Sisera's Rap*

Ya'el why did you do me like you did do?

You took that big ol’ tent peg and you ran me right through!

There wasn't any judge; there wasn't any jury;

Just you, sinful woman, with your heart of fury!

If the reason is good, can the sin be wrong?

The rebbes gonna gnaw on this one all day long!

And if intent is bad, but the mitzvah pure,

Motive can trump deeds, and that's for sure!

I could go on and on now, but I won't --

'Cause you're damned if you do,
And you're damned if you don't!

*Written during Rabbi A. J. Wolf’s class on Sex and Violence in the Talmud, November 16, 2005, during discussion of the tale of Yael and Sisera – see Judges Chapters 4 and 5 -- about bad deeds done with good intention, and good deeds done with bad intention.

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The DSM Song

Tune: Baby Face

D-S-M, I’d like to see you in the D-S-M,

You prayed to God and then you said “amen,” way back then,

Laws and rules you’d leave or take ‘em,

Others kept ‘em, you could break ‘em!

Bathsheba, you had her hubby wiped out, just to get that femme –

With Tamar we could see your sociopathy,

As detailed in the D-S-M!

The DSM is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual used for cataloguing mental health conditions. This was at our Chavura around November 2012 while discussing King David’s psyche as demonstrated by his behaviors towards Bathsheba. David had caused Bathsheba's husband, Uzziah, to be killed so he could marry her, and he had his daughter Tamar killed as well after she was raped by his son (and Tamar's half-brother) Amron.

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Written during Adrian Bledstein's Psalms Class, November 15, 2003. But this is based on 1 Samuel 25 which, as I recall, we were also discussing that day.

Abigail's Song!

Tune: Taking a Chance on Love

There goes that hunk again,

He'll be a king -- I don't know when --

But I will feed his troops till then,

Taking a chance on love!

My hubby, what a churl!

I will not be his yes-yes girl!

I'll live to be King David's "pearl"

Taking a chance on love!

I told Nabal the bad news --

He went and had a stroke!

Now I will follow David!

I'll wash his feet,

I'll go for broke!

David may throw a curse.

To win a war, I'll throw my purse!

To bring his foes from bad to worse --

Taking a chance on love!

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Little David’s Band

Tune: McNamara’s Band

Oh my name is Little David, I’m the leader of a band.

Although we’re few in number we’re the finest in the land!

Oh I’ve hit the very bottom, but I’ll soon surpass them all,

And it will not be my funeral, ‘cause soon I’ll march on Saul!

Oh, my harp goes “pling” as I take wing, and Sheol seems far away,

Jonathan abides close by my side, God’s given us the day!

My fortunes may go up and down, Up’s where I’d like to stand!

So follow me to Jerusalem, With Dovid HaMelekh’s band!

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The Loshon Hora Song

(Loshon Hora means "evil speech" which is forbidden.)

Loshon Hora Song. Tune: Never Mind the Why & Wherefore – Gilbert & Sullivan, HMS Pinafore

This fits the score perfectly except there is no second verse. Go from verse 1 to 3. Also some of the small patter lines between verses were omitted. See on You Tube at:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=46&v=y4-7lFCYi3Y

For more about the expression, Loshon Hora, see:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lashon_hara
and
https://chofetzchaimalessonaday.wordpress.com/2010/02/14/loshon-hora-a-definition/

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FIRST VERSE:

We won’t sink to Loshon Hora,

For it’s written in our Torah,

That we do a mitzvah simply using language that is nice,

So although we might be angry, we will keep those words on ice!

Chorus tune 1, repeated after EACH verse:

Keep the lid on nasty speeches,

Never kvetch when you can kvell,

That is what our Torah teaches,
We must learn this lesson well!

(Never kvetch when you can kvell,
Let us learn that lesson well,
That is what our Torah teaches,
We must learn this lesson well!)

Chorus tune 2, repeated after EACH verse:

Ugly words are just like arrows,

That can do more harm than Pharaohs,

And once spoken, just like feathers,

They can fly around forever!

Chorus tune 3 words after FIRST Verse only:

Gossip only leads to evil,

Sharper than a serpent’s tooth,

Let our thoughts and words and actions,

Ring with kindness, care and truth!

SECOND VERSE (the last verse of the G&S version)

Rabbi Yisroyel* once said it,

And we’ve got to give him credit,

As the Chofetz Chaim he helped keep our language in its place,

We can just say “no” to gossip with a smile upon our face!

Chorus tune 1, repeated after EACH verse:

Keep the lid on nasty speeches,

Never kvetch when you can kvell,

That is what our Torah teaches,

We must learn this lesson well!

(Never kvetch when you can kvell, let us learn that lesson well, that is what our Torah teaches, we must learn this lesson well!)

Chorus tune 2, repeated after EACH verse:

Ugly words are just like arrows,

That can do more harm than Pharaohs,

And once spoken, just like feathers,

They can fly around forever!

Chorus tune 3, after LAST VERSE ONLY:

Let our thoughts and words and actions,

Give full honor to our Torah

Rise above dissent and factions,

Let’s not sink to Loshon Hora!

Chorus tune 4 after LAST VERSE only.

Guard your tongue lest evil words,

Fly abroad like deathly birds,

It’s a mitzvah you can do,

And that is (my) (our) advice to you!

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A Naughty Song that Flies in the Face of the Loshon Hora Song Above.

(This song relates to a situation where tensions emerged among clergy and congregants that I won't go into here!)

The Diva

Tune: Buttercup from Gilbert and SullivanPinafore

They call me the Diva,

And would you believe a

Great shul can be bent to my will?

I’m loved and adored by some folks on the board,

And now I’m the queen of the hill!

I’ve high notes and low notes,

And I’ve got enough votes,

To stay while the rebs come and go!

They may like their bima,

But just watch my steam, a

Smart rebbe won’t cross me, I know!

I make a great sound but I work underground,

And you won’t know until it’s too late!

I’m sweetness and smiling but all that beguiling,

Goes on while I’m sealing your fate!

So here is my chorus,

If you give me tsorus,

You’ll simply be making my day!

But if you’d receive a

Good word from the Diva,
You’d better stay out of my way!

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The Malakh ha Mohves Song
Last but not least, a song to be sung by the Angel of Death,
known as the Malakh ha Mohves [MA-lakh ha MOH-ves].
Tune: Save the Last Dance for Me

Many long years have passed, my dear,

And I've been watching you!

You knew I was there all along,

And I knew you knew!

For I’m the Malakh ha Mohves,

And I’ve been waiting for you patiently,

So darling, save your last dance for me!

Oh you’ve been whirling and twirling,

All around life’s dancing floor;

And when the music stopped,

You clapped your hands,
And said you wanted more!

And never once did you ever stop to think,
Who your last partner would be,
But darling, that partner is me!

Bridge:

Oh I’ll take you by the hand,

And I’ll lead you to the floor,

Then my kiss will be so soft,

As I walk you through the door!

Now the band is slowing, the lights are dimming,
And the time has come!
I’m the Malakh ha Mohves but I stood aside
And let you have your fun.

You’ve danced with lots of others in your life,
But now I’m sure that you can see,

You’ve been saving this last dance for me!

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Joan's Lyrics

12/20/05

KAM-II Songs

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